Health, Humor & Horoscopes: September 2018

A Granny Smith apple sliced in half floats in front of a bright pink background.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes are upon us, both in the seasons and in your energy. Not only are we coming into fall, but we’ll also experience Saturn going direct on the 6th followed by Pluto on the 30th. On top of that, the full Harvest Moon on the 24th will be in Aries, and Aries is all about charging forward without so much as a glance over his shoulder. So wave a ta-ta goodbye to those lazy summer days because you’re going to feel the urge to catch up on work and projects. 

With all of this shifting energy in the atmosphere, some of you astrological hunnies may not be feeling so sweet. You’re going to feel a little hot n’ bothered with the final days of summer, but things will mellow out once we enter Libra season on the 23rd. So until that time, try to find a way to enjoy the emotional roller coaster you’re being forced to ride.

As we’re coming into harvest season, I’ve got a lovely seasonal apple dish for every hungry sign of the Zodiac. Why apples? Why not! Everywhere else you’ll be choking on pumpkin spice overkill. So let’s shake it up, people! It’s time to turn and face the strange (aka, a seasonal dish that is definitely not pumpkin spice related).

September Horoscopes - The Joya Life
(Photo by Natalie Collins)

These forecasts are inspired by the findings of other astrologists. I am not an astrologist, but I do believe that health and wellness start with self reflection. If horoscopes offer you a chance to look internally, then I hope you’ll allow me to add wellness tips to your forecast, and top it off with a healthy dose of humour.

 

ARIES – Apple Sauce

This month may be full of shifting energy, but you, Aries, are confidently strutting through it all. You’re feeling bold and brave, so when you come across something you love, you’re going to let people know. Equally, when you come across something you hate, you’re also going to let people know! 

Just remember that others may not be feeling as self-assured this month, and may mistake your energy as brash and audacious. Because of this, my lil ramblin’ ram, I dub thee the Apple Sauce of seasonal apple dishes. Why? Because if you don’t remember to be sweet, mushy and considerate to others, you’re going to tread all over them in your precariously pointed hooves (and those things hurt!). 

 

TAURUS – Apple Blossom Tart

Taurus, you’ve been pushing back on a specific relationship lately. (Something at work? Something at home? You know the one.) The time has come to compromise. I know, I know, you’re the strong-headed bull and settlements aren’t for you, but this will normalize things.

And besides, you’ll move on from this quickly when you’re hit with a creative wave. With the lazy days of summer behind us, you’ll be riding that wave like a pro surfer. So get your hands dirty, expresso yourself (*downs three espressos*), and enjoy crafting painstakingly tedious works of art like this Apple Blossom Tart.

 

GEMINI – Apple Pie

You’ve been socializing all summer long and killing it at work. However, in the back of your mind, you know you’ve been neglecting things on the home front. Now’s the time to step up your domestic goddess game. Reflect on when life at home made you the happiest and work to recreate those warm and fuzzy feelings — starting with a classic Apple Pie (best served wearing an apron and a southern accent)! You’ll take great joy in keeping things neat and organized. But please, just remember that people are allowed to use freshly fluffed pillows. 

September Horoscopes - The Joya Life - The Bonjon Gourmet
(Photo from The Bonjon Gourmet)

CANCER – Apple Cider Vinegar 

Family is a big deal to you, so having Mars in your house of partnerships the last month has created some tension. Mars has seriously overstayed his welcome, but luckily he’s on his way out (feel free to slam that door behind him). Tensions felt between those you care about will finally ease up, making you less agitated and, uh, crabby.

With this new sense of balance in your life, you’re feeling energized. Is that a bit of a spring I see in your eight-legged step? Liven it up even more with Apple Cider Vinegar. That’s right, vinegar. Because with every tart sip *POW POW* you’re going to feel emboldened *POW BAM* and confident. The gloves are coming off, Cancer, and we all know what big claws you have under there. 

 

LEO – Apple Juice

Did you read my Bowie-inspired intro, Leo? Because ch-ch-ch-ch-changes are happening and you cannot fight it! You’re going to have to roll with a few punches, and while you’re strong enough to take it, I know you’re a soft ball of hand-rolled dough underneath that bristly mane. You’re going to feel sensitive this month and hyper-aware of your emotions. So make sure you give yourself a little extra lovin’,  starting with this fine glass of the sweetest Apple Juice. 

Okay, okay, don’t be so underwhelmed. Apple Juice is the bomb. And besides, sometimes when you’re feeling emotional it’s better to lay off the alcoholic cider. Keep yourself in check, relish some sweet nectar, and… I don’t know, maybe serve it in your finest crystal if it’s not regal enough for you. 

 

VIRGO – Caramel Apple

Virgo, you’re just a little eco-friendly energizer bunny this month, charged by the sun’s solar power. You are so over these dog days of summer and are ready to get back to the grind (you’ve always felt a kin connection to our feline friends anyways). 

You’re ready to start making plans for the future and are are itching for inspiration. But get ready, your muse (or muses) is not going to be who you expect. How so? Because you’re going to find inspiration in strangers— people you hardly know. So remember to stay open to new faces and experiences, because that is where you’ll find inspiration for new ideas… like these Caramel Apples made with dates! Wowza, you’re probably thinking, a healthy twist on an autumn classic. Who would’ve known? A stranger, that’s who. Bam! Now get out there already. 

September Horoscopes - The Joya Life - Vanilla and Bean
(Photo from Vanilla and Bean)

LIBRA – Apple Crisp

That charm of yours is working extra hard this month, and people are into it. Relationships are going to fruit for you as easily as autumn’s apples — including already established friendships. Any tensions you felt in August between your lover and/or friends is slowly starting to dissipate 

But watch out. Everyone’s wanting your attention and you can only give so much at a time. With the full moon on the 24th, someone may be feeling extra sensitive and serve you an ultimatum. And you know what, Libra? When that happens, you look them in the eye and serve an Apple Crisp right back at ‘em. This versatile, gooey and crispy dish is liked by all — kinda like you. And if a Libra serving Apple Crisp can’t diffuse a situation, then I don’t know what will. 

 

SCORPIO – Apple Cinnamon Spice

Between work and socializing, this has been one busy summer for you. (Scorpio? More like scorpi-GO-GO ALL THE DAMN TIME.) But things are going to take a fun twist. Venus is about to enter your first house, which means you are going to be feeling sexy! If you’re single, it’s the perfect time to get yourself out there. Dating someone? Put some effort into planning a romantic night, because romance is going to be coming at you harder then perfume samples in a department store!

So get ready to spice things up. Literally. You should just go and make your own Apple Cinnamon Spice blend because, honey, this stuff can go on anything. (And it puts boring, over served, pumpkin spiced anything to shame!!!!)

 

SAGITTARIUS – Apple Cider

While some view the start of September as the end of summer fun, you, Sagittarius, are feeling more social than ever. You can’t wait to get out there — to the bar, a park, a patio, or even cooking up a feast for friends in your home. Just be aware, a blast from the past is going to make an appearance. Whether this is a person, place or thing, it will be something you care much about and it will bring a sense of nostalgia. 

Also happening, Mercury will give you the gift of the gab this month with the consensual touch of his hand! Use this to your advantage. Schmoozing with co-workers over some crisp Apple Cider (because you’re so bubbly, duh) will make it possible to confidently ask them for a favour or two later on. 


(Photo from Choosing Chia)

CAPRICORN – Apple Dumpling

Perhaps more then anyone else, you’ve felt this summer’s retrogrades and eclipses deeply. While things are starting to settle down for you, you’re still going to feel sensitive and emotional with this month’s changing seasons. With that said, there’s no better time to follow the wisdom of some cozy Apple Dumplings. (Those things aren’t just cute but wise, too. Daaaamn.) Bundle up, Capricorn, and keep close to the home front. It’s time to amp up on the self-care, catch up with family, and Netflix n chill like it was originally intended.  

 

AQUARIUS – Baked Apple

Saturn goes direct at the start of the month, which means you’ll be craving a break from the chaos in your life. People are coming at you from all angles, asking for your opinion on this or that, and wanting you to make up your mind fast. While you can normally be impulsive, you’re steering clear of making rash decisions. GOOD. FOR. YOU. 

Aquarius may be the water bearer, but you know what, it’s time to bear no more. Get a little greedy, because Aquarius is going solo. Hold onto your water in a red solo cup, make your own solo dessert (Baked Apple for the win!), and use this time to reflect. In the end, it’ll help you come up with new ways to approach your problems. 

 

PISCES – Apple Galette

You’ve been feeling a little sensitive, but I’m not entirely sure it’s because of the changing seasons. You, Pisces, do not always feel at home in this world, so a seasonal change goes unnoticed by you. Rather, your hyper-sensitivity is probably due to the fact that you’re spreading yourself too thin at work. After all, all work and no play makes for a grumpy fish. Or fishes.

This month, you’ll also come to realize why a recent issue didn’t work out for you. Yes, you’ll take note of this, and yes, you’ll use this experience to help you in the future, but you’re still kinda pissed off. And that’s just the way it is. You’re going to be a bit grumpy, feeling exposed and sensitive like an open wound… or, like this scrumptious rustic Apple Galette! (Get it? A galette? Because it’s open, and its fruit is exposed? You know what I’m talking about.)